Choosing Happiness. After Heartbreak.

I have been on a ride. A rollercoaster. The ultimate adventure of the heart. 2023 was one of the most challenging and life-altering years of my life. It was not easy. It catapulted me into a new reality in every way. I faced demons I didn't even know I had; I overcame obstacles that felt like impossible mountains to climb, and still, each day, I awaken and choose to rise from what felt like the ashes of my life. Choice is our soul, and this was a year of exercising that in the face of great adversity, change, triumph, and disaster. 

Benji and I moved back to Tierrmaitica a year ago. In February 2023. We moved back for many reasons. We were not managing to be happy in San Diego, but we could not seem to figure out why. We knew our relationship felt like it was spiraling downward, and we didn't have the clarity to pull ourselves out. So we came for a workshop, we asked for help, and we decided to move back to our home in the jungle to reconnect with ourselves, our hearts, and our family once again.

Our return to our cherished home in Peru was meant to be a transformative journey, guiding us toward our best and happiest selves, rekindling love, and bringing us back together. However, life had unexpected plans in store, challenging our beliefs and leading us down a different path. 

During these months, Benji had started to develop feelings for another woman. Someone who excited him and made him feel powerful and admired. Someone new. I could honestly even see how new would feel good, easy, and enticing. We had been through a lot together, and Benji felt uninspired to continue to fight for our relationship. 

The problem was. I didn't want anything new. I wanted a fresh start, but in my heart, my fresh start would be with Benji. A chance to start over and come back together. To know and treasure the preciousness of our love and plant new seeds to water. I wanted a future with the man I loved, and I believed that we could get through anything. We had been through so much together, and I was willing to do anything to make it work. But he was not. His heart took him in another direction. 

So, there I was. Left with the most heartbreaking reality. I wanted my husband, but he didn't want me. The first thing I felt was incredibly not good enough. Like trying to figure out what she had that was so much better than me. How did I become second best?  Why was she worth fighting for, but I was not? My whole world felt new and confusing. Like the floor had been ripped out from under me and I didn't know what to stand on, what to trust or believe anymore.  After a decade of being everything to each other, my entire world felt shattered and confusing. 

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and was consumed with despair. I was filled with anger, hate, heartbreak, and depression in just about every form that it could come. I felt sick all the time. Like life was playing a bad joke on me. A bad dream that I would just wake up from.  Feeling like the ultimate victim, unable to figure out a way through. I just needed him to love me again so I could live and be happy. 

I remember lying in bed one day. I truly felt like I didn't know how to live without him, replaying all the things I did wrong and lying in a pool of self-hatred. I remember feeling like I didn't even know who I was without him, and then I realized that this was the whole problem. 

My self-worth and identity were so intertwined with the love that I would receive from Benji, that when I lost him, I truly felt like I had nothing left. No sense of Brielle left to live for. 

So, I made a choice, and I drew a hard line. A choice to live. A choice to pick myself the fuck up, to get back on the dragon, and to rediscover who I am. A choice that I deserved to be happy, and I would do whatever it took to be happy again. To be Brielle again. To rescue myself and be the hero of my happiness. To not allow my life to be a tragedy of victimhood, but a heroic story of triumph. 

 I decided that I was worthy of all the happiness and love that this life had to offer, and I would find a way to give it to myself and face what was happening in front of me, standing tall and proud rather than running away. 

I started small, by doing little symbolic things each day that felt good to me. I would connect with the community and women in my life. I would fix my sculptures, work on a painting, enjoy chick shows, and fill my belly up with chocolate and sweet treats. I watched the sunrise from the pool, swam in the waterfall, and found pleasure in being the beautiful and feminine woman that I am. I stayed open with my process and wore my wounds in the fresh air to let them breathe and heal. I chose people in my life to trust, and started to rebuild that muscle.

I even dared to put myself on a dating app, which felt completely insane and difficult at first. I had a few Zoom dates and just remember crying after, wondering what the hell I was doing being single again.  But I symbolically kept showing myself that I was ready to move on and kept trusting that I would. I wanted to be open to life, to new adventures, and possibly to a new love.

My best friend and I went on a girl's trip to Miami. We got dolled up, went out dancing, felt beautiful, and seen. I reconnected with old friends and my family all over the world and felt like I was not alone and was truly supported and loved in so many ways. 

I began to shine. Truly shine, from the inside, I felt powerful and proud.

After our trip to Miami, I began talking to a man I had met on one of the dating apps. Our conversations felt effortless and fun, and I invited him for a visit and a trip down to Peru to see me… which, to my surprise, he agreed to. It scared me and also excited me to live an adventure with someone new. It still all felt so surreal. It felt liberating and empowering to be single and have fun, but I was scared to open up again. This became abundantly clear when he was here for a visit. 

He was above and beyond my expectations. Handsome, stable, openhearted, sweet, intelligent, successful, and incredibly fun! Pretty much everything you look for in a partner. 

  It terrified me. I had convinced myself that this would just be a fun little trip to feel “on the market” again and show myself that I was ready to move on. But as it turned out, I still wasn’t. 

The more amazing and loving this man was to me, the harder time I had letting him in. The more he was exciting me, the more I wanted to shut down, mistrust, and run away, and I would use any excuse in the book to do so.  I was letting insecurity and fear take over, and felt stuck.

What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I open my heart to someone new? 

I had come so far and grown so much since Benji and I had separated, but there I was, confronted and facing a wall and all my fears. 

I asked for help. 

Help to overcome this block, help to get past it, and help to come face to face with the walls inside my heart that were unable to accept and open to love when it was right in front of me. To truly heal from the heartbreak of Benji, and allow myself to move on fully in every way. 

I was led through a deep guided meditation. One in which I had to relive and fully feel all the love I felt for Benji as his wife, and in that love, and with all my strength, to truly want him to be happy with this other woman. To be able to uncover the truth that was buried underneath the pain—that I did not NEED love from Benji to be able to feel love. That I am and always will be filled with all the love I need to be happy and fulfilled. That I am the source of love, and it doesn’t come from outside of me. This was my moment to break myself free from my self-worth or my happiness ever being dependent on anyone else but myself. To become a fountain that produces all the love I wish to feel for myself and those around me. To allow that love to flow like water, and keep flowing freely out of me. I broke through my walls, and I set myself free.

I found the place and strength where I had become a vibration of love. I could feel everything, and in allowing myself to feel the love I felt for Benji, I was able to transform that love towards another. I allowed myself to feel the heartbreak and the beauty in the pain of losing someone I loved. I was able to open my heart bigger than I ever imagined and embrace and transform that love towards Chad. The man who was standing there with open arms and an open heart. A true prince charming, ready to climb mountains and slay dragons to be with me. All the while, feeling grateful for everything that Benji and I had lived together. Grateful for him in my life, and grateful for the gift of setting me free so that I could be loved again in the way that I truly deserve.

 I came out of the ceremony feeling clear, open, and ready for the future. It was as if I had a shower that energetically cleansed me. I now feel so much love for myself and am excited for my life. I felt excited to open my heart again to someone new, this time without needing anything from him to feel good enough about myself. I knew I was enough, and deserving of all the love he offered. I knew I was worthy of a man that would fight for me. He just wanted me. In any capacity and any form. He wanted to love me, truly love me and would cross oceans to be with me for only a few hours. He knew I had been through a lot. He knew I was in a process of healing, and without pressure, expectation, or agenda, he was there, holding me and lifting me up, encouraging me to find my wings and fly. So I did. 

Through this journey, I realized and learned so many lessons. Lessons I am still learning and intend to engrave deeply over the next few years. 

I learned that above all else, it is ME who has everything I need inside to feel happy, loved, beautiful, powerful, and amazing. Nothing I am and nothing I feel is dependent on anyone else or anything outside of myself. I am and always will be the hero of my own life. I possess the strength and ability to turn my pain into power, chaos into peace, and wounds into wisdom. 

I faced the demons in me that aided in the slow demise of my marriage, the voices that wanted to judge, turn away, mistrust, sabotage, or create stories that limited me and my ability to live with a fully open heart to myself and others. I have been transforming and healing those each day by daring to be seen and make myself proud, to love myself fully, to allow myself to be truly loved, and to choose to trust, surrender, and open my heart to someone new. 

I truly learned and felt that being happy is just a choice, and there is no amount of time, or suffering that you need to go through to feel good again or to love again.

 Now, I choose to keep looking at the sun! To not be afraid of heartbreak, pain, loss, or failure in any form. This process has liberated me and made me realize how precious life is. I don’t feel like I need to have it all figured out all the time, because life can throw some pretty crazy curveballs. Every experience, good and bad, is a chance to learn and grow. I feel so deeply that each day is a gift. We don't know how long we have with the people in our lives that we love. So never take it for granted. Life is meant to be lived, and everyone deserves a happily ever after! Finally, I get to live mine, for me, because I deserve it!